


Destroyed

by akira93



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-22 11:05:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9605210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akira93/pseuds/akira93
Summary: Wonho had enough on how Changkyun always says ridiculous things about his friends saying that they always try to flirt with him. He demands a break of their relationship and Changkyun was devastated. Changkyun starts having negative thoughts on how he wasn't good enough for Wonho, wasn't handsome enough for Wonho and wasn't thinner enough for Wonho. This is the story where Changkyun slowly destroying himself to make Wonho take him back.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello babies! Miss me??! I surely miss you guys! xD  
> Well this is another angsty fanfic featuring WonKyun.  
> It is changkyun-centric though.   
> (I know I promised you guys the smut story but please bear with me for a while more as I'm not really good with it. I did start writing it though)   
> I also had another prompt to write but it is still in progress.   
> Anyways~ enjoy this story first~~

“Stop this Changkyun! I’ve had enough!” Wonho shouts and Changkyun flinched but he wasn’t going to lose the fight.

“But hyung! He was literally flirting with you! Of course I would be mad! You are mine!”

Wonho sighs loudly and he shook his head and rubbing his face vigorously. Wonho felt suffocated with how Changkyun is. He just didn’t understand why Changkyun had to be a very jealous maniac.

**_I need to do something with his over jealous mind,_** Wonho thought and he had told Changkyun a sentence that breaks Changkyun heart to pieces.

“I think we need to take a break Kyun ah. You really have to control your jealousy. I can’t stand this. It suffocates me. I don’t want this kind of relationship. You should’ve trust me.”

Changkyun freezes as the words **_we need to take a break_** keeps chanting in his mind and he stumble with words while looking at Wonho with a very sad face.

“B-but hyung! I do trust you! I just don’t trust them!”

Wonho shook his head again saying, “No Kyun ah. This is not the way it works. If you trust me then you shouldn’t have any problems with them flirting or whatever with me because you know that I only love you.”

Changkyun lips starts to wobble and he had an unshed tears in his eyes. He couldn’t believe that Wonho will cut off their relationship just because he is jealous. Of course he will, who wouldn’t?

“I’m sorry kyun ah. It’s the best solution that I can think of right now. This doesn’t mean that I didn’t love you anymore though. I still love you. Very much.”

Changkyun shook his head mumbling

“If you love me then you wouldn’t do this hyung. Please don’t do this. Please. I-I can try to control my jealousy just please not this. I can’t even if it just for a while. You’re too important to me..”

Wonho sighs before he pulled Changkyun and hug him but Changkyun tried to shrug Wonho off though he failed as Wonho tightened his hold on Changkyun and Changkyun went limp while he buried his face on Wonho’s chest.  

“It’s only until you can manage your jealousy kyun ah.”

Wonho says before he kissed Changkyun’s head and let him go before he gave Changkyun a small smile before he went to his room.

Changkyun didn’t move from the spot as he stare at the floor with his mind running fast.

**_It’s totally your fault Changkyun. If not for these jealousy Wonho hyung won’t asked for a break. But how can I control it when they literally were flirting with him??_ **

Changkyun sighs and he went into his room. Kihyun who had been talking with Minhyuk on Minhyuk’s bed had saw Changkyun’s solemn face and he stop talking to Minhyuk,

“Kyun? Are you alright?”

Kihyun says and Changkyun quickly put on his poker face and gave Kihyun a small smile before he told him that he is fine and went on to his bed.

Changkyun didn’t want to tell anyone about what had happened between him and Wonho. He’s afraid that they will take sides and will probably fight later on so he definitely doesn’t want that to happen.

Changkyun is very sensitive to things that will lead to fights especially if the fights involves him or the root of the fight was him. He always backs off whenever they start to fight and will immediately apologize if they started yelling at him.

He just can’t back off when it comes to people flirting freely with Wonho when he was there witnessing everything. Not to mention the one that flirt with Wonho were more handsome, skinnier or very fit than him. He’s afraid that Wonho would fall for them.

He does trust Wonho but he can’t trust the one that were flirting with him. Who knew what they will do to charm Wonho so that they can have him.

Truth to be told. He is insecure. He didn’t think that he’s good enough for Wonho. Now that Wonho had told him that they will have a break from their relationship, all those insecurities come crashing down on him thus his anxiety had come full force.

He just hopes that tomorrow Wonho will take back what he had said.

His heart breaks a little more the next day when Wonho didn’t give him a good morning kiss like he always do before. He now knew Wonho was very serious about the break thing and he felt dejected.

He stopped Wonho in the middle of the room before they had to go to their schedule.

“Hyung.. I’m sorry.. Please don’t do this.. I promise I won’t make a scene anymore if I thought someone is flirting with you..”

Changkyun pleads but Wonho just shook his head, “You did this before Kyun, if I forgive you, you will only do it again after some time. I just want you to trust me that even if they were flirting with me, you should know that I won’t flirt back or anything. I will take you back when I see your improvement. This is the best I can do for you.”

Changkyun shook his head while chanting I’m sorry quietly but enough for Wonho to hear it but Wonho won’t budge at all.

“Why didn’t you kiss me this morning?” Changkyun asked.

“I won’t kiss or hug you for now. Not until I take you back. I just want you to know how desperate I am to make things right. I’m teaching you a lesson. If I kiss or hug you I don’t think there will be an improvement.”

Changkyun eyes go wide and he look at Wonho in the eyes but Wonho only sighs softly before he shrug off Changkyun’s hand that was grabbing his sleeves and went to talk with Shownu.

Changkyun had to fight back his tears as he didn’t want to break down in front of his members and he went to sit beside Hyungwon on the couch while waiting for their manager to call them and told them to come down.

Hyungwon was actually watching Changkyun talked to Wonho earlier and he can’t shake the feeling that something had happened between the two.

“Changkyun? Are you okay? Did anything happen between you and Wonho hyung?”

Changkyun tense a little not expecting the question and he can only shrugs,

“I’m fine. We’re fine. I think..”

“You think? What happened?”

Changkyun then sighs and shook his head, “Nothing hyung. We’re fine”

Sensing that the younger is upset, Hyungwon stop pestering him and cuddles him instead and Changkyun snuggles closer to Hyungwon and close his eyes.

It has been two weeks and Wonho still didn’t take him back. Changkyun is currently laying on his bed alone in the dorm. The others had gone out to have dinner and Changkyun had refused to go giving excuse that he wanted to sleep.

He didn’t sleep though. He can’t even if he wanted to. He can’t sleep well since the break, whenever he sleep he will have a nightmare about Wonho didn’t want him anymore.

In that weeks, Changkyun had witness a lot of people trying to flirt with Wonho and he can’t do anything about it. He can’t. He needs to control it. He wants Wonho back but he didn’t know if it just his imagination or something but Wonho seems to drift apart from him.

Whenever he tried sitting next to Wonho in the dressing room or studio, Wonho would quickly get up and sit somewhere else. Whenever he tried standing next to Wonho at fan meetings, Wonho would slowly walk away and stand beside someone else.

The other members already know about their relationship is ‘on break’ as Wonho had told them one day while they were having dinner. They didn’t question it though when they saw how Changkyun were fighting back his tears with all his might.

He misses Wonho. He misses his touch. He misses how safe he felt whenever Wonho held him close. His insecurities had increased and he always wears a big shirt or an oversized sweater to hide his body. He didn’t talk anymore, only when someone asked him something. He still help his other hyungs whenever they asked for his help though.

He spend most of his time practicing his rap and dance when they have a free day. He also tried controlling his jealousy when he saw someone talking to Wonho. He would force his eyes to look somewhere else and sometimes he had his hand curled into a fist until his nail scratch his palm. Sometimes his palm bleeds because of it.

Changkyun sighs.

His heart hurts. The members didn’t know but Changkyun had cried most of the time when the members aren’t around him. He usually will go to the backyard and sit on the chair at night when he can’t sleep and just stare ahead for hours crying.

With only one sweater and it is November but Changkyun didn’t care. The cold helps him feel numb. It helps him forget for a while.

He was contemplating to go sit at the backyard again but he didn’t want the other to find him sitting outside in the cold.

He close his eyes and pretends to sleep when he heard the door open.

The next day, Changkyun wakes up with a cough. He bleary sit on his bed while he coughs and he wince a little when he swallows. Changkyun is glad to find that Kihyun is not in the room. He kind of doesn’t want anyone to know if he is sick or can’t sleep or any problems that he have.

The way Wonho had avoid him makes Changkyun revert back to his old self back to when he was the outsider of the group.

He went to the kitchen after showering and sit silently at the table while waiting for Kihyun to finish making breakfast for everyone.

He silently watching Wonho talking happily with Hyungwon at the other side of the table.

**_Hyung look so happy.. Was I a bad boyfriend before..? Or was I too ugly for him? Too fat..? Hyungwon hyung is a very handsome man.. And he is skinny too.. Not to mention all the people who flirt with Wonho hyung are gorgeous and skinnier too.._ **

Changkyun thought and he starts to think that he should stop eating so he can lose weight more.

Changkyun had mindlessly coughs for a few times as his throat start to itch more and more and he can’t help but wince when he swallows afterwards.

He was startled when Wonho suddenly raise his voice slightly saying,

“Changkyun, stop pretending to be sick. I know you would do anything to get my attention back. I still didn’t see any improvement as you would always glare or didn’t answer back when my friends or ‘the one that flirt with me’ as you always said it when they asked you questions. I can still see your over-jealousy mind and now you are pretending to be sick so I would become concern and you thought that I will take you back. You’re wrong. I won’t. So stop.”

Changkyun blinks. Pretending? Wonho thought that he was pretending to get his attention? Changkyun held himself from coughing when he felt his throat itch. He swallows a few times while trying not to wince when his throat hurts.

“I’m not pretending hyung. I pro-“

Wonho cuts him off before he can finish,

“You thought I didn’t know? You’re not the one who will show how sick you are in front of us but you keep coughing and wince since you came to the kitchen. That isn’t obvious enough that you were only pretending so you can have my attention?”

**_Was I? I didn’t even realize I was coughing that much.._ **

Yes. He didn’t realize because he was busy having those negative thoughts in his head.

“Changkyun ah, that is not how you should do to have Wonho’s attention. You shouldn’t pretending to be sick or anything. It will only make it worse.”

Shownu says and Minhyuk and Hyungwon agreed and told Changkyun not to do that again. Kihyun and Jooheon didn’t say anything to Changkyun but they also didn’t say anything to back Changkyun up.

Changkyun heart sank. It looks like the other hyungs had already took sides and apparently no one is on his side.

His face became red as he was trying not to cry but the others misinterpret it as embarrassment.

His heart sank once again when Minhyuk speaks up,

“Shouldn’t you apologize Changkyun? You are in the wrong here. You should apologize whenever you did something wrong.”

He blinks rapidly to avoid his tears rolling down on his cheeks.

“I-I’m sorry hyungs.”

Changkyun says as he knew if he didn’t say it, someone will start to yell at him most probably it will be Wonho himself.

Before someone else can say anything, Changkyun quickly excuses himself saying that he’s not hungry and walk rather quickly to his room and he climbs on to his bed and buried his face under his pillow and cry.

He only stop crying when he heard their manager told them to get ready for their schedule that day. He quickly went to the bathroom and wash his face before looking at the mirror.

He can’t help feeling ugly and fat. He lift up his sweater and pinch his flat stomach a little while feeling disgusted.

**_No wonder Wonho hyung seems like he didn’t have any interest in me anymore. Look at this fat! I really should stop eating. I need to be thinner then Wonho hyung would have me back._ **

And that was only the beginning on how Changkyun starts to destroy himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Changkyun had to fight with his coughs in the van full of his members. He had tears in his eyes because of how much he refrain himself from coughing.

He can only manage to clear his throat once in a while. It’s a good thing that he wears a sweater that has hoody. He didn’t have to pretend to not cough if he hides under his hoody.

It was hell.

Changkyun sighs in relieved when they arrived at their first schedule’s venue. Now he can hide somewhere for a while to cough. He excuses himself saying that he have to go to the toilet but he went inside in one of the empty room and coughs for as long as he can.

His throat hurts so much and he just hoped that his voice won’t break when he perform later on.

He didn’t talk at all in the dressing room afraid that his voice would be gone if he did. When it was their turn to perform, Changkyun had perform with all his might and thankfully his voice didn’t break but his throat did hurt afterwards throughout the performance.

That was only their first schedule though. They have four more schedules where three of it involves performing and they only finished one.

After finishing another two performance schedules, now they are currently in the dressing room for one last performance for the day before they have to go shoot some pictures for CF. Changkyun is exhausted. His voice are still fine but his throat burns. It felt like he was swallowing a handful of sand every time he swallows and it hurts like hell.

“Boys, these are your lunch. Eat up.” Says their manager and they all scattered around the dressing room to eat.

Well, all of them except Changkyun.

Changkyun did took his food with him but he didn’t eat it. He put it away on one of the table in the dressing room and he only drank his water. After a while, he open his food to make it not so obvious that he wasn’t going to eat it, he pretends that he was actually eating it by moving the food around but wasn’t actually picking it up and shove it into his mouth.

10 minutes of playing around with the food, he gave his lunch to Jooheon who was sitting nearby saying that he is full and can’t finish it. Jooheon happily took the lunch not realising that the bowl of food was still full.

Changkyun did this trick for one whole week.

He didn’t even eat one bite for the whole week and no one finds out about it. Not even Kihyun.

Not eating is one thing. His sickness is another thing.

His cough. His sore throat. It worsen to the point that Changkyun had to discreetly eat the medicine for it but it didn’t work because his stomach is empty. Changkyun was oblivious. He keeps taking his medicine with an empty stomach thus his cough and sore throat didn’t get better.

Not to mention his never ending insomnia. No matter how much he pushed himself that day and his limbs felt like jelly with how exhausted he was, when he lay on his bed and close his eyes, he can’t fall asleep. He will end up staring at the ceiling until it was time to get up for another day full of schedules. He only sleep when his body shuts down from exhaustion.

He didn’t tell anyone though. Of course he won’t, not after what had happened a week ago. He pulled his poker face most of the time like nothing is wrong though his stylist will lecture him a bit on how they have to put on an extra base makeup for his face.

It’s not like he did not sleep on purpose. He can’t. His body didn’t want to. His mind desperately wants to sleep so he can escape from the reality for a while.

It seems like the god wanted to punish him.

When he can’t sleep, he didn’t stop thinking about Wonho. All he could think of is Wonho Wonho and Wonho. He is mentally exhausted.

He didn’t know how to make things right anymore. It seems like everything is his fault. His jealousy, his personality, his face, his body. He loath himself right now. He didn’t even smile anymore when he look into the mirror looking at his reflection. He quickly denied anyone who said that his looks aren’t so bad and that he do have an attractive face.

He didn’t believe it anymore. He stop believing it.

All he know is that he is ugly and fat and not worth it for Wonho.

**_Stop eating. Do not eat. You can only drink. Water. Only water._ **

Changkyun keeps chanting these words in his head every day without fail.

It is now December.

And Changkyun had become so thin to the point if you shove him just a little bit he would fall and probably break his bone or something.

Being smart, Changkyun wears clothes that didn’t show his body figure so no one know how thin he is now. Though Changkyun still thought that he is fat as fuck. His relationship with Wonho didn’t get better and that makes Changkyun’s mental health deteriorates.

He didn’t care about those who flirt with Wonho in front of him anymore because his mind is full with things like how he can be more thin, more attractive and all that.

But Wonho didn’t see all that. He still see that Changkyun hold grudges with his friends with how Changkyun never tried to have conversation with them so he assumed that Changkyun still didn’t fixed his mind about being over jealous towards his friends.

Wonho thought that Changkyun don’t want their relationship to get better and that makes him angry thinking about it. Wonho can’t help but think about how selfish Changkyun is being and he is blinded by rage thus he failed to see Changkyun is slowly breaking both mentally and physically.

Though Changkyun is slowly destroying himself, he makes sure that he can perform perfectly, helping his hyungs and keep out of trouble. Though most of the time he felt like dying because of how exhausted he is every day.

It’s a good thing that their clothes concept for ‘Fighter’ concludes with Changkyun wearing an oversized sweater most of the time. Changkyun always pleads with their stylist to let him wear the oversized sweater whenever he sees that he have to wear a fit clothes for the performances.

He didn’t want anyone to see how fat he is.

He didn’t even wear a simple t-shirt in their dorm anymore. He would always wear a big long sleeves shirt. Sometimes he asked for Shownu’s shirts as it was big on him and can perfectly hides his hideous body.

Shownu did once asked Changkyun why he wants to wear the big clothes and Changkyun answered with

“It’s more comfortable hyung”

Shownu didn’t suspect anything. No one did. They all just thought that is how Changkyun is coping with everything that happens right now.

Changkyun still cried every night without fail. He cried whenever he saw the changes Wonho did to him such as no more secret touches when they were on the stages or in front of the cameras, no more sudden food or drinks appeared in front of his face whenever he was focussing on writing his raps, no more sweet smile just for him. All he saw is Wonho throwing him glares whenever he makes an eye contact with the older.

**_I guess I’m not worth it for Wonho hyung. No matter what I did I will never be good enough. But if I am thin enough and attractive enough then..maybe then Wonho hyung would love me back._ **

Changkyun does eat sometimes. When Kihyun watch his movements like a hawk, Changkyun would eat and he always finishes his food. What Kihyun didn’t know was that Changkyun would let it all out again after they reach the dorm at the end of the day or when they have a little break from their practices.

Changkyun coughs had stopped but his sore throat is still there. With how he always forced himself to throw out the food that he had eaten, his sore throat had worsen and if he pay attention to his body he would know that his throat were starting to swell.

Today, Changkyun had woken up with an extremely bad migraines. He flinched whenever his eyes make contact with lights. Changkyun didn’t know that the migraines was actually from his fever.

Changkyun have a fever but he didn’t even realizes it. He never pay attention to his health anymore. Only pay attention to Wonho’s health making sure that his love is healthy every day though Wonho still haven’t said anything to him since the break.

Throughout the day, Changkyun barely pay attentions to his surroundings. He only makes an effort to focus while performing. Other than that, he will stares ahead seemingly lost.

“What’s wrong with you now?”

Wonho said and that makes Changkyun starts to focus everything towards Wonho. That was the first words Wonho had said to him without any cameras around after one month.

“What do you mean hyung?” Changkyun ask softly.

“You aren’t paying attention to your surroundings today. Are you sick or are you trying to act like you are sick to get my attention again?” Wonho accused.

Changkyun frowns before he reply,

“I’m sick? I feel fine. Why do you think I’m sick? I’m not. I promise.”

Wonho frowns. The way Changkyun reply him means that Changkyun is serious because he didn’t stammers with his words and had reply him right away but he still think that something is wrong but he can’t catch on what it is.

“Are you doing this on purpose?” Wonho asked Changkyun again.

“Do what on purpose hyung? I didn’t do anything. I’m trying to be what you want me to be. A perfect boyfriend who won’t get jealous with every single person that come to talk to you. Did I do a good job hyung? Or do I have to improve more?”

Changkyun says genuinely without any double meanings because he truly wants to know if he had improves or not.

Wonho blinks before his face turns red with anger. Wonho had once again misinterpreted Changkyun’s words with mocking. Wonho thought Changkyun is mocking him.

“What the fuck are you trying to say?”

Changkyun goes wide eyes hearing Wonho swear at him and he slowly stand up so that he can face Wonho properly.

“Hyung..? Wh-“

Changkyun was caught off guard when Wonho suddenly grab his sweater by his collarbone and pulled him harshly.

“Are you trying to test my patience Changkyun? If you are behaving this way I might as well tell you that you didn’t do a good job at all. In fact if this was an exam you would have failed with a zero mark. Stop being so selfish and start being more mature if you still want this relationship.”

Changkyun is confused. Changkyun is afraid.

**_Selfish? Am I?_ **

He was pushed harshly by Wonho that he can’t catch his balance fast enough making him toppled backwards to the floor. Wonho didn’t even acknowledge Changkyun on the floor and went out of the dressing room fuming with anger.

Changkyun winced when his right wrist throb after the fall.  

He clutched his right wrist as it starting to hurt. A lot.

The other members were startled once they heard Wonho yelled at Changkyun and they all froze watching the scene before Minhyuk, Shownu and Hyungwon ran out of the room to catch Wonho while Kihyun and Jooheon went over to Changkyun who was sitting on the floor clutching his right wrist.

“Kyun ah, are you alright?”

Kihyun asked and Changkyun quickly gave Kihyun and Jooheon a small smile before he unclutched his wrist saying that he’s fine.

Kihyun and Jooheon frowns at Changkyun’s behaviour and they were dumbfounded after Changkyun asked them a question with a very confused face.

“Hyungs. Am I a selfish person?”

Kihyun managed to reply Changkyun while Jooheon staring dumbly at Changkyun.

“Why did you asked that Kyun?”

Changkyun stares at Kihyun and if Changkyun didn’t reply him after he had ask the question, they would have thought that Changkyun had his mind somewhere else.

“I guess I am then..? Because you didn’t exactly answer my question? Is that why Wonho hyung hates me? I didn’t even know that I was being selfish?”

Changkyun said slowly with his head tilts a little to the right.

Kihyun and Jooheon now stares at Changkyun with a shock face. Changkyun seems out. It seems like he is in some kind of trance. Changkyun never asked questions like that. Not to the point where he looked so confused and lost.

“Changkyun…? Are you sure you’re al-“

Jooheon was cut off from asking Changkyun because their manager suddenly came up to them,

“What the hell is going on here?”

Kihyun and Jooheon quickly stand up while Changkyun slowly stand up with him wearing his poker face.

Jooheon was about to open his mouth to explain what had happened to their manager when he felt someone fell on his back so he quickly turns his body around and was shocked when it was Changkyun before he quickly hold Changkyun’s body as Changkyun went limp.

“Fuck. Changkyun?!”

Jooheon had to sit on the floor before he held Changkyun’s head and panicked when he find out that the maknae was unconscious.

Kihyun had tap Changkyun’s cheeks lightly hoping to wake the younger up but to no avail.

Changkyun remains unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick update? ahaha  
> i will try to update one more chapter before wednesday night because i won't be at home from thursday until saturday.   
> comments~


	3. Chapter 3

“I think it’s better if we bring him to the hospital”

Changkyun heard someone said it and he slowly open his eyes and blinks.

**_What happened?_ **

He slowly sit up from where he was lying and when he took on his surroundings, he realizes that he is still in their dressing room and he is currently on one of the couch.

“Changkyun?”

Changkyun turn his head towards the voice and it was Kihyun who is looking at him with a very concerned face.

Changkyun tilt his head a little.

“Yes hyung?”

Kihyun then went to Changkyun and cupped his face. Changkyun was startled at first but then he leans in towards Kihyun’s hand. He felt warm. Then it clicked in Changkyun’s head. He finds Kihyun’s hands warm and he is cold. Very cold.

“Changkyun ah” Kihyun called him when he saw Changkyun starts to look lost like he is in some kind of trance again.

Changkyun then look up to Kihyun before he close his eyes and sighs softly before he speaks,

“I’m having a fever aren’t I?”

Kihyun gave Changkyun a small sad smile before nodding his head and Changkyun sighs again.

This is how Changkyun is. He won’t realize he’s sick whenever he is overly stressed out. Not to mention that he didn’t even pay attention to his health anymore after the break thus this happened.

“Hyung? Did Wonho hyung know..?” Changkyun asked while he leans in and crash his head softly onto Kihyun’s stomach.

“No. Only me and Jooheonie. Why?”

Changkyun shook his head slowly replying,

“Don’t tell him.”

Jooheon then went to sit behind Changkyun before speaking while he gently pulled Changkyun’s body towards him and Changkyun obliges without a fight.

“Why? He should know that you’re not well. He is your boyfriend despite the temporary break between you guys.”

Kihyun agrees with Jooheon but Changkyun only sighs,

“I don’t want him to know. It’s fine. I’m fine. Please just don’t tell him.”

Kihyun and Jooheon look at each other having a silent conversation before Kihyun sighs and said that they won’t tell Wonho about the incident and his fever which Changkyun smiles a little thanking them.

Kihyun had talked to their manager that they won’t be going to the hospital but he will take care of the youngest and their manager lets him.

Three days.

Changkyun had the fever for another three days but he still went to all of their schedules without complaining anything. Wonho didn’t even gave Changkyun a glance after he yelled at him three days ago.

Changkyun suddenly winced when his right hand bumped onto the dinner table before he quickly look around and sighs softly when he sees that nobody saw him wincing earlier.

Yes. Changkyun manage to hide his sprained wrist from Kihyun and Jooheon.

Changkyun is thankful that he is left-handed so he didn’t have much trouble even though his right wrist is sprained.

Despite the fever, Changkyun still won’t eat and he will make sure to empty his stomach afterwards whenever Kihyun forced him to have a spoon or two. His own clothes looks big on him now.

 Changkyun is not in his healthy mental states right now. He started thinking on how unworthy he is for Wonho, how unworthy he is for Monsta X.

Changkyun had talked to his manager to let him have longer schedules that involves song writing and dance practice, he wanted to improve better because he didn’t think he’s done a good job at all. His fever had broken down and now he is waiting for his manager to come and pick him up so he can go to the studio to write lyrics for their songs and have a four hours of dance practice on his own.

**_I need to be good enough at least for Monsta X. Can’t let the fans down. Can’t let anyone else down. Practices makes perfect so that is what I’m going to do from now on._ **

At the studio, Changkyun had focus on his writings and dance practices that he didn’t realize that he had been there for almost a day. His manager did asked him to stop for the day but Changkyun refused saying that he needed to practice more. It’s not good enough for him.

About his selfish self? Well he took Wonho’s accusation very seriously. He never refuses anything anymore from his hyungs. Always did everything they said despite him being so exhausted and all. Sometimes he didn’t get to rest because he was doing chores told by the hyungs until morning. He never complains though. Not anymore.

It has been a little over a week after the yelling incident, all the hyungs are now had started to feel worried about their maknae because everytime they went to search for Changkyun, they would find him either writing or practicing his dance moves.

Even Wonho had started to feel concerned. Of course he will, he still love his boyfriend but he thought by taking a break, Changkyun would learned his lesson but now he can see how Changkyun busied himself so much to avoid making him angry about their relationship.

Wonho felt guilty about the selfish thing he had yelled at Changkyun. He can see how hard Changkyun tried to change his over jealousy mind and his selfishness. Changkyun had start to smile and have a little conversation with Wonho’s friends and he even volunteered himself to go buy drinks for Wonho’s friends.

What Wonho didn’t know was how Changkyun felt about himself. He didn’t know Changkyun loath his personality, his appearance and he even starts to think that he didn’t actually have a talent to rap.

Wonho had realized how wrong he is to have their relationship on break one day. Wonho realized it when all of them were in the dressing room.

Changkyun was changing into his performance clothes at the end of the room a little further away from his other hyungs and all of his hyungs froze when they watch Changkyun took off his oversized sweater.

“What the fuck Changkyun?”

Minhyuk had blurted out before he can register the words that came out of his mouth because he was too shocked with how thin Changkyun is.

Changkyun had freeze in the middle of wearing his performance clothes when he heard Minhyuk talked and he turns slightly to face where his hyungs are and tilt his head a little with a questioning face.

Everyone else is speechless. After a few seconds of silence, Shownu manage to open his mouth and asked the maknae,

“Changkyun ah, what did you do to yourself?”

Changkyun frowns as he didn’t know what the big deal is with him changing here in the dressing room. He usually will go to the toilet to change but today they are already late so he had to change in the dressing room with them.

**_Is it because I’m way too fat right now?_ **

Changkyun start to feel anxious before he licked his lips and start to apologize to his hyungs.

“I’m sorry hyungs. I know I’m too fat right now. I’m trying to lose more weight and I didn’t even touch the food so please bear with me for a bit? I-I will try to lose more weight. Just please don’t kick me out of the group?”

Silence.

“What the fuck?”

It’s now Jooheon’s turn to swear.

Wonho then had walked to where Changkyun is standing and Changkyun quickly finishes wearing his performance clothes, not wanting Wonho to see how fat he is close up.

“Why do you think you need to lose more weight Kyun?”

Wonho asked and Changkyun drop his head and stare at his shoes before mumbling a reply,

“Because I’m too fat for you.. I’m too fat for the fans.. I’m too fat to be an idol..”

Wonho blinks. Dumbfounded. Speechless.

Changkyun cried when Wonho didn’t say anything thinking that Wonho will finally breaks up with him for real. He had pleads Wonho to forgive him and wait a little more so he can be thinner.

Wonho felt like crying.

**_I made him like this.._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short update! I'm sorry babies!   
> I do want to keep writing more but i don't have much time left to write!  
> And I don't want you guys to keep waiting for an update because i did stated that i'll try to update before wednesday night so i guess this short update will be fine for now? >.<   
> i will write longer for the next chapter! I'll be back on saturday! so i will update the next chapter latest by Monday!


	4. Chapter 4

Wonho had stared at Changkyun who is crying his eyes out in front of him. He didn’t know how to approach his baby anymore afraid that if he touch him Changkyun would break even more. He never thought that it will become like this. He don’t know how can he fix this.

Wonho stop staring when he realizes that Changkyun had fell on his knees sobbing his heart out while apologizing furiously to him.

Wonho immediately went on his knees and pulled Changkyun onto his lap. Changkyun was startled at first thinking that Wonho was going to shove him but he grabbed Wonho’s shirt tightly when he realized the older had pulled him onto his lap.

“I’m sorry baby, I’m so so sorry.”

Wonho said while rubbing Changkyun’s back and Changkyun had stop crying but he was staring at Wonho’s face with a questioning gaze.

“W-why are you sorry hyung? I-I was the one that wasn’t perfect enough to be yours.”

Wonho’s heart crumpled and he tried his best not to break down in front of his broken baby.

“No baby, you are already perfect to me. I’m sorry I asked for the break. I was stupid.”

Changkyun sniffed before he once again tilt his head and spoke,

“I’m not perfect hyung. I-I’m still ugly.. and fat.. I g-get it why you asked for the break. I’m disgusting.”

Everyone else was stunned by Changkyun’s answer especially Wonho. Changkyun only stare at Wonho’s face while sniffing once in a while.

**_He… He’s broken to the point he can’t see the truth anymore… I fucked up.._ **

Wonho thought and he can only cupped Changkyun’s face gently and kissed him on the lips. Changkyun wasn’t expecting the kissed because Wonho haven’t touched him since the break but he closed his eyes and leans towards the older wanting more.

Wonho pulled back several seconds later and he smiled sadly.

“You are not fat. You are not ugly. You are beautiful baby. I’m sorry I made you think I didn’t want you anymore. I love you. I love you Changkyun.”

Changkyun is confused. He was broken to the point his brain mushed up all the truth.

**_Can’t Wonho hyung see how fat and ugly I am? Why did he call me beautiful? I’m not.._ **

Changkyun thought though he did heard that Wonho still loves him.

“I love you too hyung. But.. Are you sure you want me back..? I-I’m still lacking a lot of what I am supposed to have so I could be the perfect one for you”

Wonho can’t help but to tear up by this point. Changkyun goes wide eyes when he sees Wonho cried. He thought that he had said something that upsetting his hyung so he immediately apologize.

“Stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong baby. Yes. I want you back. The break is over. Stop saying that you are still lacking things. You’re not.”

Wonho said as he pulled Changkyun into a hug again.

Changkyun hugged back even though he is still confused but is beyond relief because Wonho didn’t break off their relationship.

Wonho wanted to tell how beautiful Changkyun is but the stage manager had come and told them to get ready as they will have to get onto the stage in a few minutes.

Wonho kissed Changkyun’s forehead before he told him to get ready and they will continue this conversation after their schedule ends and Changkyun obeyed.

They finally finished their schedule for the day.

Changkyun is exhausted.

His body gradually become weaker as he is overworking himself and didn’t eat most of the time. He sluggishly went to his room to grab a new clothes before starts to walk to the bathroom for a shower.

Wonho had silently watch Changkyun’s movement and he knew that his baby will get very sick if he continue to overwork himself. Now that Wonho knew Changkyun had thought how fat he is and had stop eating when the other are not looking, he is determined to nurse Changkyun back to how he is before he fucked things up.

When he saw Changkyun is slowly walking towards the bathroom, he decided to shower with his baby tonight so he quickly went inside the bathroom before Changkyun can locked the door.

Changkyun was shocked but he let Wonho in.

“Hyung? Do you need something in here? Or do you want to shower first? I can wait on the couch outside if you want to shower first.”

Wonho shook his head before he locked the door and gave Changkyun a kiss on the cheek,

“I want to shower with you.”

Changkyun blushed. He blushed not because he is shy. He blushed because he is embarrassed by his body.

“But hyung.. my bod-”

Wonho had cut Changkyun off by kissing him fully on the lips.

“Stop with that talk. You are not fat baby. You are far from fat. Come on now, let shower.”

Wonho said after the kissed and he stripped off his clothes before helping Changkyun with his clothes and pushed Changkyun gently towards where the shower is.

Under the shower, Changkyun didn’t dare to look down on his body knowing how ugly and fat he is and he start to cry thinking that Wonho might hate him after this because he can now see how ugly he is.

Wonho heard Changkyun’s cries so he turned the maknae so he is looking at him and tilt Changkyun’s chin upwards with his finger so Changkyun would look at him.

“Why are you crying pup?”

Changkyun blushed hearing the pet name. Wonho had stop using the pet name a few days before the break and Changkyun can’t help blush when he heard it again.

“I’m bare right now and you finally can see how ugly I am.. And.. and you will finally stop loving me and will end us..”

Changkyun sobbed harder before he felt he was being pulled onto Wonho’s chest.

“Pup.. Baby.. You are not ugly. And I won’t stop loving you. I love you. I still love you.”

Wonho said while gently rubbing Changkyun’s back and kissing him on top of his head.

Changkyun cried harder while mumbling,

“P-promise? Promise you w-won’t leave me..?”

“I promise”

Wonho said and he pulled apart and brushed away the tears on Changkyun’s face.

“Let’s start showering”

Wonho said with a smile and they slowly start showering together with Wonho pampering Changkyun most of the time in the shower.

If they took longer time in the shower that night, no one questioned them. The other members desperately want Changkyun to be ok again and desperately hoping that Wonho will be able to heal their broken maknae again.

That night, Wonho insisted on having Changkyun sleep with him and Changkyun obeyed as he truly did missed his hyung’s touch and hopefully he can finally have a decent sleep.

They went to sleep that night with Changkyun is tucked under Wonho’s neck and Wonho’s hand wrapped around Changkyun’s waist tightly.

For the first time in a little over a month, Changkyun sleep peacefully throughout the night.

Though he woke up with a terrible headache and a waves of nausea at 6.30 in the morning.

He tried his best to get out of Wonho’s bed without waking up the older while having one of his hand cupping his mouth to prevent himself from vomiting right there in the room.

Changkyun rushed to the bathroom before kneeling in front of the toilet bowl and heaves. The bile was mostly consist of water as that was the only thing that entered his stomach for weeks. He moaned softly as his stomach contracts every time he heaves and his throat hurts caused by the acid. He dry heaves for a few more times before his nausea ease a little and he brushed his teeth before going to the kitchen to drink.

Though now his relationship with Wonho is going towards a good end, he still is wary with everything else so he decided not to tell anyone about his discomfort. He didn’t want to cause trouble when they are still promoting.

He doesn’t want to slow anyone down. He doesn’t want the schedule to be cancel because of him.

He still think he needs to diet. Though he felt a little assured that his body is fine every time Wonho reminded him, he still felt the need to lose a few more weight for the fans.

So the day went by with Changkyun struggling to keep up with the schedule because of his ongoing headaches and nausea and trying to show everyone that he is fine.

Until Changkyun suddenly sway before his eyes rolled back and the last thing he knew was his name being called and strong arms caught him before he ended up on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm sorry i'm late. I'm sick right now. I just got back yesterday and my fever suddenly spiked today so I havent be able to write but hey there you go an update~


	5. Chapter 5

Someone is running their hand through Changkyun’s hair.

That was the first thing that Changkyun aware of once he gain his consciousness. He slowly open his eyes only to meet up with Wonho’s face hovering over him.

“Baby?”

Wonho called as he sees that Changkyun is somewhat confused. Changkyun then slowly look at Wonho before he blinks and he look around before his face becomes confuse again.

“Hyung..? What happened?”

Changkyun asked as he tried to sit up with the help of Wonho. Wonho had pick Changkyun up easily before putting him on his lap though he grimly thought how light his baby is and his guilt intensify.

“You fainted earlier after we finished the last performance for today. You’re burning up pup. Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well?”

Changkyun play with the hem of his sweater before mumbling a reply,

“I didn’t want to be the cause of interruption in our schedules.. I thought I can manage it until we reach the dorm today..”

Wonho sighs softly. He did expect Changkyun to do that though usually Changkyun would at least told him beforehand that he wasn’t feeling good so he can take care of the maknae for the day.

Changkyun had heard Wonho sighs and his heart drop thinking that he had made Wonho upset and disappointed in him. Tears pooling, Changkyun starts to tremble as his sobbing raked his body. Alert, Wonho quickly look down to Changkyun worried that the younger is in pain. He made a circular motion on Changkyun’s back hoping for him to calm down,

“Why are you crying? What hurts?”

Changkyun shook his head sobbing louder his hand clinging onto Wonho’s shirt.

The other members that were standing nearby silently watching had also become worried as Changkyun’s sob is getting louder.

Minhyuk wanted to speak but was cut off by the maknae,

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad.. I’ll try not to give trouble after this.. I’m sorry..”

The hyungs are confused. They give each other a silent conversation and sighs softly. Apparently, the maknae had thought with him being sick, he is troubling everyone and they are upset with him because of it.

Wonho kissed Changkyun’s forehead before wiping away Changkyun’s tears while swaying their body together in a slow motions.

“You’re not in trouble pup. I promise you that. No one is upset at you. It’s not your fault you fell sick.”

Changkyun gradually stop sobbing after Wonho whispering sweet nonsense while caressing his head and his back only sniffing once in a while. He lay his head in the crook of Wonho’s neck, physically and mentally drained.

Kihyun saw how pale the maknae is and he asked the others if they should just bring Changkyun to the hospital to get treatment. The others were about to agree when Changkyun whined loudly and buried his face deeper into Wonho’s neck,

“I don’t wanna go to the hospital….Please….”

Silence.

“Fine then. But you have to rest a lot at home. Okay Kyun ah?” Shownu said and it surprised everyone even Changkyun himself. Never would anyone thought that Shownu easily gave in to the maknae’s plead about not going to the hospital. Usually Shownu was the one who would drag his members to the hospital to be treated.

Shownu won’t be their leader if he can’t fix whatever problems that arises in his group.

After knowing how thin Changkyun is, and knowing the fact that the break between Changkyun and Wonho makes the maknae went into a self-loathing mode, makes Shownu had to bring out his leader side.

Shownu knew if they forced Changkyun into getting a treatment in the hospital will only make Changkyun revert into himself more and more likely to be stressed with how much the younger hates hospital, he decided that making Changkyun on house-arrest is the best decision for everyone. They can take care of the younger, Changkyun would feel less stressed by resting at home rather than  the hospital and Wonho would be able to touch Changkyun without having the thoughts of cameras somewhere in the hospital room (hey you never know).

Shownu blinks when his member stay silent but he won’t back off either.

“Alright then, let’s go home”

Wonho said as he looked over to Shownu and gave him a smile and Shownu returned it.

Once they reached the dorm, Kihyun had told them that he would make a simple dinner for everyone and a chicken porridge for the maknae. Minhyuk had gone to help the mother of the group in the kitchen willingly.

“Come on pup.”

Wonho says as he took Changkyun’s hand and led them to the bathroom. Changkyun is confused but he obeys and followed Wonho silently. When they had reach the bathroom,

“Stay put okay? I’m just gonna go and grab our fresh clothes real quick” says Wonho before planted a kissed on Changkyun’s lips and dash out of the room to grab their clothes quickly.

Changkyun blinks. His fever oriented brain didn’t quite catch what had happened earlier.

Changkyun stay put as he was told but he was actually too disoriented to move as his fever slowly rising. In no time, Wonho came with hands full of fresh clothes. Wonho put the clothes near the sink and he went over to Changkyun.

By now, Changkyun finally realized that Wonho kissed him earlier. He traced his lips with his finger before looking at Wonho with his head tilt a little,

“Did you kissed me just now hyung?”

Wonho nods before he wince a little as Changkyun punched him lightly on the chest while he puffed his cheeks.

“Don’t do that while I’m having this fever.. You could get sick too..”

Wonho gave him a small smile before he pulled Changkyun into his embrace. Changkyun melt into Wonho.

“I’ll be fine. I don’t care if I get sick after this though.”

The way Wonho had answer makes Changkyun look up to Wonho and gave him a glare (well Changkyun thinks that it’s a glare though what Wonho saw was him pouting).

“What do you mean? I don’t want you to get sick especially because you had it from me an-”

Wonho shut Changkyun up with another kiss.

Changkyun huffs after they pulled apart and Wonho laugh lightly before he told Changkyun that they should shower now so the others can have their shower afterwards.

After the shower, Changkyun can barely open his eyes and walk straight. He is exhausted and the fever didn’t help. All he want is to get to his bed and sleep.

But of course his boyfriend won’t let him sleep just yet.

Changkyun whines loudly when Wonho blocked Changkyun’s way into his room. Wonho brush Changkyun’s hair and Changkyun instantly leans in closing his eyes.

“Let me sleep hyung.. Please…”

Wonho knew how tired his baby is but he need to make sure Changkyun eat his medicine first and to do that the maknae needs to eat. Wonho can see how Changkyun is struggling to stay upright so he pick Changkyun up and carry him to the kitchen.

Changkyun was startled at first but he was beyond the point of caring at the moment and lay his head on Wonho’s shoulder.

Wonho sit at the table with Changkyun seated on his lap.

Kihyun only smiles gently seeing Changkyun sitting on Wonho’s lap and silently gave Changkyun and Wonho their dinner.

Changkyun didn’t have the energy to even hold the spoon properly so Wonho had to feed him. Changkyun only eat half of the porridge before he stops Wonho from feeding him more of the soup and lay his head on Wonho’s shoulder closing his eyes.   

Seeing that their maknae was about to sleep right there in Wonho’s hold, Kihyun quickly went to fetch medicine for Changkyun’s fever. Wonho manage to coax Changkyun into eating his medicine before he carry Changkyun to his bedroom and place Changkyun on his bed. Wonho won’t let Changkyun sleep alone on his bed with his fever and he knew how much Changkyun love to snuggle up to him whenever he is not feeling well so he tucked Changkyun in before went out to the kitchen to eat his dinner.

Changkyun had fall asleep once he ate his medicine.

Later that night, everyone is sleeping peacefully before Wonho is jerked awake at the sound of someone’s whimpering.

Blearily, Wonho open his eyes and he didn’t move as his body and brain is still clogged up with sleep haziness. He only sits up when he heard another whimper beside him and knew the whimper came from Changkyun.

_How does it feel like to be fat Changkyun?_

_You are ugly._

_You should never have let them feed you._

_You’re getting fatter._

_Wonho will leave you again if you start eating again._

_Ugly fat and worthless. Yes I’m talking about you Changkyun._

Changkyun jerks awake until he was seated on the bed, chest heaving, breathing laboured, trembling and his face full of tears. Changkyun hadn’t realized that Wonho had pulled him gently until he was seated on Wonho’s lap because all he heard is those taunting words that came in his dream earlier.

“….breathe in and out slowly.. calm down pup… Pup? Changkyun? Baby?”

Changkyun stare up to Wonho when he had heard the last three words Wonho had said. Wonho was getting worried when he had called several times and had said sweet nonsense to calm Changkyun down and was relieved when the younger finally look up at him.

Changkyun burst into a full sobbing while trying to push Wonho away and get out of the bed.

Wonho didn’t let go though. He keep pulling Changkyun back onto him whenever Changkyun pushed away and finally after several minutes, Changkyun stop and went limp, exhausted.

Changkyun is still sobbing and Wonho gently wipe away the tears that didn’t seemed to slow down on Changkyun’s pale face. Wonho sway their body together slowly and rubbing Changkyun’s back waiting for Changkyun to calm his tears down.

It took 10 minutes for Changkyun to calm down.

When Wonho had deemed that his baby had calm down enough, he caress Changkyun’s hair lightly before asking,

“Are you alright baby? Is it a nightmare?”

Changkyun shook his head once and nod his head once.

“Do you want to talk about the nightmare?”

Wonho mentally slap himself when Changkyun starts to cry again at his question. Wonho kissed Changkyun’s temple and sway their body again hoping for Changkyun to stop crying.

“I’m ugly..and fat.. and worthless.. and they remind me again on it..”

Changkyun mumbles and Wonho’s heart breaks.

Wonho cupped Changkyun’s face and tilt Changkyun’s head up a little so that the younger is looking at him before he kissed Changkyun sweetly.

“You are not fat” another kiss “You are not ugly” another kiss “You are worth it” another kiss “and you are beautiful..so so beautiful”.

Wonho gave Changkyun a passionate kiss after the last word and Changkyun melts.

Before his eyes widen and he pulled back.

Wonho look at Changkyun in confusion. Changkyun is blushing hard (from the kiss or the fever who knew maybe both),

“Fever”

Wonho smile. He knew that Changkyun would worry about his health rather than his own. Wonho eyes sparkle when he gets an idea on how to make Changkyun see that he is not what he think he is. Hopefully.

“I will kiss you every time you said that you’re ugly, fat or worthless. And I will kiss you whenever I want.”   

Changkyun blushed harder at the words and Wonho smirks, happy that Changkyun would atleast let him do it.

Wonho hopes that he can heal his broken baby again and he will do anything to heal him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! I'm sorry it took another week to actually update this! >.<   
> I'm resting well and only have my coughs right now. I was a bit busy though with my work. T.T  
> Thank you who had wished me to get well! Saranghaeyo ^///^

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are very much welcome~


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